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Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
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Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
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Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
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Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
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Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
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Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
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Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later. Open a beer. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to
lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
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Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.
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Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
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Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
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Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across
the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving
to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
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Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2
pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
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Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.
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Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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